My daughter's computer is a treasure trove of memories

© Azo

Published in November 2020 on netzpolitik.org

The mother of a deceased child talks about how she read her daughter's private messages after her death. A very personal perspective on digital legacy.

People who pass away today often leave behind their smartphones, e-mail accounts or thousands of digital photos. If the deceased has not expressed an explicit wish, relatives are left alone in deciding how to deal with the digital legacy. For example, the question whether a social media account should be deleted or continued.

Legally, surviving relatives may gain access to the digital accounts of the deceased under certain circumstances. In 2018, Germany’s highest civil court granted the mother of a deceased 15-year-old the right to inherit her daughter’s Facebook account.

However, many ethical questions in dealing with the digital legacy cannot be answered by courts. In this interview, I talk to Katrin S. about her personal experience with digital inheritance. Katrin tells how she gained access to her the computer, but not the smartphone, of her deceased 13-year-old daughter and what inhibitions she had about reading her private messages.

For the interview, we met in Berlin. The full name is withheld to protect the identity of the deceased.

The digital legacy

netzpolitik.org: Katrin, your daughter was 13 years old when she took her own life. What digital legacy did she leave behind?

Katrin: We have her computer and her cell phone. She also had a Tumblr blog and a Facebook account.

netzpolitik.org: When did you first come into contact with these digital legacies after your daughter's death?

Katrin: I think it was the next day or the day after. She committed suicide and left a suicide note with the address of her Tumblr blog on it. That's why I almost immediately started reading the blog.

In search of answers

netzpolitik.org: What was it like to read your daughters public blog that you didn't know existed before?

Katrin: Actually, the blog and everything I found on her computer afterwards was very important for me to get answers. It allowed me to get to know a completely different side of her. When this other part of Lina opened up to me, I was first stunned by how deeply sad she really was. If I hadn't read this blog, I would have always wondered how it came to this. When you're so shocked, people come up with wild theories. From that point of view, these material were very valuable to us.

netzpolitik.org: A family friend helped you unlock her computer. What did you find there?

Katrin: In the search history in her browser, I could see that she had been thinking about suicide for a long time. It helped me to know that she had been dealing with these thoughts for a while, that it was really planned and not a decision that came up a day before.

netzpolitik.org: Did you also find things that were difficult for you to bear?

Katrin: There was one photo, which she apparently took just before her death at the later crime scene. Based on the date and time, it was clear that she took it shortly before she died. That picture stirred up a lot of emotions in me. Nonetheless, it is very precious to me now.

"I never heard her sing before "

netzpolitik.org: You showed me a video of your daughter with one of her friends.

Katrin: Yes, we found it on her computer. These videos are so beautiful, because she recorded herself doing silly stuff with her friends. They are singing in front of the computer and I had never heard her sing before. It was beautiful. It was nice when we found it because in the video she is so carefree. It would probably be different if she had cried every time and said how terrible the world is and how terrible her life is.

netzpolitik.org: In her farewell letter, Lina explicitly referred to her blog, possibly because she wanted you to read it. But not her computer. Did you ask yourself if you were allowed to unlock it?

Katrin: I didn't think much about whether I was allowed to look at it or not. I just hoped for answers. Also because Lina's computer had always been open, it was never locked. It was just one day before she died that she put a password on it. We had an encounter where I asked her about her desktop background. Afterwards she probably put in a password, presumably to prevent me from getting even closer to her thoughts.

The smartphone remained locked

netzpolitik.org: You wanted to find answers and ran into a wall with Lina's smartphone. To this day, you haven’t been able to unlock it. How do you feel about that?

Katrin: The thought of unlocking her phone preoccupied me for a while, because I would have liked to know what she was writing on WhatsApp with her friends before her death. But it was not possible. It took a year or so until I was okay with that. But the phone is still with us. There is still a small part of me that hopes that maybe it will be possible to unlock it someday in the future.

netzpolitik.org: Have you thought about asking Lina's friends to hand over their WhatsApp chats?

Katrin: No, I haven't thought about that. It would be difficult for me to ask them. There would be questions about how much they knew and so on. I wouldn't want that. You have to accept the fact that you cannot handle the answer to that question.

Reading her private chats felt very intimate

netzpolitik.org: On Facebook you found and read messages between Lina and her friends.

Katrin: Yes, she had used Facebook on my computer once and that's why I could just log into her profile. I was able to read what she had written with others.

netzpolitik.org: What was that like?

Katrin: Reading that was a bit different than looking at the pictures on her computer. To actually go into a private chat and read messages felt very intimate. But every message there was like a little piece in the larger picture. That was really important for me.

netzpolitik.org: Did you talk about this with Lina's friends?

Katrin: Yes, I knew that Lina's friends would see when I logged in, because the green "online" light would be on in her profile. Of course, that upset them and some of them wrote to me. Also, many friends wrote messages to Lina after her death to tell her something. Some of these messages were so touching for me that I replied. It was difficult, because the messages were very intimate thoughts and feelings, but they were all grateful to receive my replies.

"I wanted to learn as much as I could"

netzpolitik.org: What was it like for Lina's friends to know that you were now reading their messages from the last few years?

Katrin: I didn't ask and none of them said anything. But I didn't have the feeling that there was any discomfort. Although, maybe the friends didn't dare to say that they didn't think it was okay. For me, it was important at that time. I wanted to know as much as possible.

netzpolitik.org: Did the messages help you to to piece together a picutre?

Katrin: Definitely. The messages didn't have to be about suicidal thoughts at all. But seeing Lina in an exchange with others opened up a part of her that I didn't know at all. For example, I found a video of her smoking. Of course we all do things that we don't want our parents to see. Butfor me that wasn't scary, it brought her closer to me. I really picked up every snippet we found. Trivial stuff too, everything was so important to me and to this day I wouldn’t delete anything.

The Facebook profile remains online

netzpolitik.org: How did you use photos to remember and mourn?

Katrin: I made an album with pictures of the good times we had with Lina. That was especially important for her sister because she felt guilty at the time. The pictures helped her reflect and see that it wasn't all bad, like it sometimes felt back then. We had had lots of fun and good memories, not just arguments.

netzpolitik.org: Lina's profiles on Tumblr and Facebook are still online.

Katrin: Yes, I would never be able to bring myself to delete them. Then she would be dead for me. The memorial state on Facebook is also not an option for me. In the beginning, there were often friend requests, and I clicked on them. So they keep going and sometimes I look at Lina's page. You know, it's like a treasure chest. It's there, but you don't always have to open it. It's just a good feeling to know that it's there.

netzpolitik.org: Is there anything else you would like to say?

Katrin: For me, it's just important to say how valuable Lina’s digital legacy is to us. The public conversation should not just be about the question of privacy of the deceased but also about what a treasure it can be for the surviving relatives.

netzpolitik.org: Thank you very much for your openness and the interview.